Sometimes when I’m incredibly bored and should probably be doing better things, I like to imagine what it would be like if I were part of the show. Who I would be, and more importantly, who I would be friends with. These five kick-ass ladies always come up, and then I come to the sad realisation that, in reality, none of them would by my friends.
As my ten-year-old self would say, they would all suck.
This list was pretty much invented for Effy. She pops pills and smokes spliffs like she just don’t care, trudges through Bristol in clothes your mother wouldn’t let you out of the house in, and just generally has an attitude of casual social supremacy.
Her life is one huge adventure that you only get little glimpses of – and it’s addictive.
In seasons 1 & 2 she was simply Tony’s little sister. Audiences loved her so much that in the third season, the writers created an entire plot line out of three – three! – boys being in love with her. At the same time. Cue drama and lots of sexual tension!
Normal 17-year-old boys don’t tend to wax lyrical about loving a girl so much that they write it over and over in their school notebook, but that is the power of Effy. (I swear, I think her character brought back 90s revival and the whole grunge look.)
Plus, I mean, LOOK at her. That girl has won the genetic lottery.
She’s fascinating to watch on screen, but in real life? This girl would be the worst.
She’d just run around, doing her own thing, and you’d be all “Hey! I need help! I’ve had a massive fight with my mum / my car’s broken down / I think I saw a spider in my room and now I can’t find it,” and five hours later she’d come back saying, “I told you. Life sucks. Let’s get fucked up.” And then she’d be dancing by herself with a bottle of vodka.
Effy doesn’t have friends. She just has admirers.
BEST EFFY QUOTE: “I’m officially off the rails. You should try it.”
RUNNER UP: (After JJ admits he loves her.) “Well, everybody loves me.”
Oh April. How can you not love her? She’s like the ultimate moody teenager, who hates people and doesn’t care about stuff and says whatever she’s thinking. She once booked 93 meetings for her boss on March 31st, because she thought March 31st didn’t exist.
Her favourite things to do are make fun of her co-worker Jerry, and make out with her husband – sometimes at the same time. She rescued a three legged dog and called him Champion, which in my opinion makes her champion of the universe.
In real life? April would be the most annoying friend you’ve ever had.
You couldn’t even really be friends with her, because she would just glare at you from underneath her bangs and probably say that whatever you’re thinking is stupid.
If somehow you and April did become friends, you would turn into a paranoid version of yourself because you’d constantly be thinking that she hates you, which she probably does.
Normally this would make you run away, but she’s so awesome that you would persist anyway. In the battle to win April’s friendship, you’ll probably lose whatever traces of self esteem and dignity you once had. On the other hand, you’ll almost definitely have a laugh.
BEST APRIL QUOTE: “I don’t care about that prize, but I’m gonna win because I want his happiness to go away.”
RUNNER UP: “To be perfectly honest, Mouserat’s music isn’t really my thing. I really only listen to German death reggae, Halloween sound effects from the 1950s, and Bette Middler. Obviously.
Cersei Lannister // Game of Thrones
How do I begin to describe Cersei Lannister?
Cersei Lannister is flawless.
I hear her hair’s insured for $10,000.
I hear she does car commercials… in Japan.
Just kidding. Unlike Regina George, Cersei is one badass queen. In other times, she might be ruler of the free world, but in the land of Westeros, women can’t rule. She’s learnt to play the game of thrones using her womanly charms, cunning, and her family name in a world where men and swords dominate.
She’s also lovers with her twin brother Jamie. Gross, yes, but in this cuthroat world their love is actually kind of… sweet. It’s the worst kept secret in Westeros, and everyone else in the family just kind of awkwardly ignores it.
She’s used as a pawn and she knows it. She does everything in her power to remain in control, but the men who do hold power over her – mainly her son, King Joffrey, and her father, Tywin Lannister – can put her back in her place with just a few words. I’d like to see what would happen to her if both of these characters disappeared. I think she’d go mental – in a good way.
Being friends with Cersei in real life, however, would be problematic – the main problem being that you might cease living at some point.
She is a diplomat to the core, and knows when to play nice and when to play mean. She might be smiling sweetly to your face while simultaneously plotting your imminent death, which might put a damper on the friendship. You will also be called a whore if you dare to show a little skin. Friends don’t call friends whores, unless it is done ironically.
That being said, she’d be an excellent drinking buddy.
BEST CERSEI QUOTE: “Tears aren’t a woman’s only weapon. The best one’s between your legs.”
RUNNER UP: This.
Watching Cristina is like watching a car crash: powerful, yet destructive.
She’s incredibly talented and ambitious to the extreme, yet her own single mindedness gets her in trouble time and time again.
She’s mean but not nasty, which means endless hours of entertainment. She doesn’t let anyone talk crap. Or stutter. Or basically be average.
She’s the best at what she does, so she expects everyone else to be as well. It’s empowering. You feel like if you were actually friends, she would be the motivation you need when you’ve been spending too much time watching TV shows.
Unless you are Meredith Grey, however, she would be a terrible, terrible friend. First of all, she and Meredith are practically married, which they talk about all the time, so you would always be the awkward friend who isn’t as good mates as they are.
Second, she’ll think all of your problems are stupid, unless they are surgical in which case she’ll probably thank you at some point for having a life threatening illness, because she got to operate.
Third, she literally won’t listen to a word you say. Nobody in Grey’s Anatomy actually has real conversations, they just talk about themselves in the vicinity of other people. Two people can have an entire conversation and have no idea what the other person is saying.
On the other hand, if you ever had some medical issue, she would be an excellent person to have on hand. When the ambulance comes she’d yell at the paramedics for doing it wrong and would just get going on saving your life herself.
BEST CRISTINA QUOTE: (walking into emergency after a train crash) “It’s like candy. Only blood.”
RUNNER UP: “If I murdered someone, she’s the person I’d call to help me drag the corpse across the floor.”
Mary, Mary, quite contrary. This nursery rhyme could have been invented for Lady Mary Crawley. The eldest daughter of Lord Grantham, Mary is severe and lady-like in equal measures.
She’s stuck in a time where her place in life is determined by those around her. She’s headstrong, but has no outlet to use her talents – and nor does she seek one. Instead she wanders steely gazed around Downton Abbey, throwing cutting remarks to her sisters, and disdainfully commenting on the traditions of Britain’s ruling class.
She’s a feminist as far as inheriting her family’s money is concerned, but has no interest in women getting the vote whatsoever. She has nothing driving her – other than to get into Matthew Crawley’s pants – and has no goals to achieve.
If this was anyone else, it would be insanely boring. But there’s something about Mary (pun totally intended) that makes you side with her. Its something in her steely demeanor, or the glimpses you get when she lets down her guard, or maybe just that we really really wanted for her and Matthew to get together. There’s nothing so exciting as a will they / won’t they relationship.
In real life? You only have to look at the way she treats her sisters to know what sort of friend she’d be. She’s downright nasty to Edith – her less fortunate looking younger sister – and takes every opportunity to ruin her happiness. The fact that Mary’s other sister Sybil still likes her says more about Sybil than it does her.
The other characters seem to love her in the same way they love Downton Abbey; she is the embodiment of all that is good about a family dynasty and a beautiful manor. She’s the pomp and circumstance, the eons of tradition and the difference between hunting tweed and walking tweed all rolled up into one human being.
You would never be friends with Mary simply because she doesn’t have friends. She has housemaids and potential suitors.
If you went round for dinner, there’s a decent chance she’ll ignore you for 80% of the evening, only to make dry small talk and look down her nose at you for the rest of the time. Unless you are from an equally wealthy family (and old money, of course), in which case you might get along splendidly over a walk in the garden or drinks in the lounge.
Just be sure to not wear anything ghastly, or worse – too casual.
BEST MARY QUOTE: “I’ll admit that if I ever wanted to attract a man, I’d steer clear of those clothes and that hat.
RUNNER UP: “We can’t leave all the moral high ground to Sybil, she might get lonely there.”
What do you think? Would you be friends with any of these women in real life?