Why does every celebrity interview ever feel the need to include this?

Gwyneth cooking

Is there some cosmic law that says bad words aren’t allowed to be written about Gwyneth Paltrow? Like, if I was to mention her name and put it next to words that were anything less than absolutely gushingly in awe of the ‘refreshing normal’ super freak, will some all-powerful deity come down and smite me?

No? Are you sure? Then how can you explain THIS opening paragraph of a feature article about Gwyneth Paltrow, who is quite possibly the healthiest person on the planet and therefore the best looking 40-year-old you’ll ever see:

“Shortly before Gwyneth Paltrow’s first cookbook came out in the spring of 2011, I met her for lunch at a French brasserie in Beverly Hills. Any misconceptions I might have been harbouring of a faddish Hollywood star evaporated over the course of a decadent couple of hours. She devoured the baguette with butter as soon as it landed on our table and, on first-name terms with the chef, proceeded to order course after course of indulgent dishes including creamy butternut-squash soup, cod fried in beer batter and french fried, savouring every mouthful with sheer delight.”

Uh-huh. Really? Give me a break. We all figured out the neat trick of ‘skinny actress meets with journalist and eats lots of food’ a long time ago. Nearly every feature article on a female celebrity I’ve ever read has included the words “refreshing normal”, “down-to-earth” and “she eats… (insert some delicious food here that definitely isn’t a salad-with-dressing-on-the-side)”.

So. You eat burgers AND chips and you just happen to look the way you do? Lady actors of the world, listen up. Nobody is buying it.

More importantly, there’s no way I’m buying that Gwyneth Paltrow is eating it.

If it was Drew Barrymore, or Jennifer Lawrence, or Cameron Diaz, I would probably believe that they like a burger every now and then, and then go for a run. We can’t all be saints, right?

Gwyneth blue dressUm, no. Gwyneth Paltrow is as close as you can get to human dietary perfection, which you can witness via her uber cool blog, Goop. I mean seriously, good on her for being so creative with food and having such dedication towards a healthy lifestyle. It’s the kind of life I would like to live if I had all the time in the world and didn’t love carbohydrates so much.

But seriously. Gwyneth eating everything this article says she did? No. Just no.

A little later on in the article, and hidden in there is a little revelation that would make the opening meal a little, well, unpleasant:

“Paltrow says allergy tests revealed that, in fact, everyone in her house is intolerant of gluten, dairy and chicken eggs.”

Everyone in her house is gluten intolerant? So I’m pretty sure that means she physically cannot eat beer-battered fish, right? Or the baguette. And let’s be honest, there’s probably something in that soup as well. Man, celiacs have it rough.

A couple friends of mine are celiacs, and they range from the slight stomach cramp to full on crippling bowel issues if they get so much as a whiff of gluten. Doesn’t matter if good old Gwyneth is a little bit or a lot, I doubt she wants any tummy issues while enjoying a delicious lunch with the journalist who’s (hopefully) going to write lovely things about her.

Don’t get me wrong, this isn’t meant as a tirade against Gwyneth. It’s about the whole damn charade of “look how much she ate!” I mean, we know it, the journalist knows it, and I’m quite sure the celebrity’s PR person knows it. Women like women who eat, not women who make them feel guilty for adding a bit of parmesan here and there.

With some people, I can overlook it. With others, I can even believe it. But with Gwyneth, I just feel cheated. She’s as close to dietary perfection as is possible. Let’s not ruin that by pretending she can have her cake and eat it too, ok?

* The article originally appeared in the Sunday Life magazine on April 7, 2013. When they pop it up on their website, I’ll give you a nice little link to it. Incidentally, my Sunday morning hangover cure is tea, vegemite toast and the Sunday Life – it works miracles.

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