This is the cover letter I’ve always wanted to write.
Dear Prospective Place of Employment,
I’m applying for the role of Junior-Sub-Second-Assistant to the Receptionist. This role has always been my career goal. In the long term, I’d love to become First Assistant!
Basically, Future Employer, I’m fucking fantastic, and here’s why:
First, I’ve got loads of experience. Just look at my resume – how did I manage to fit so many jobs into just a few short years! It’s not that I’m a flakey employee. I just like to try a lot of jobs. I’d like to try yours. It’s how we Gen Y-ers have been trained to think.
Second, I know lots about a lot of useless shit. Stick me in a networking event with other young professionals, and I’ll start talking about how awesome Jenna Marbles is and that time I ended up in Austria instead of Croatia. We’ll bond over childhood loves of Pokemon and Harry Potter, and compete in a Gangnam Style dance off. See? I’m totes awesome for promoting your business.
Third, I am willing to work for next to nothing, doing your filing, at a company that is only very slightly related to my desired field, let alone job role. This is definitely not at all my fault. Did you graduate university during the worst recession since the Great Depression? No? Then go fuck yourself and give me a job. I need money and some pride, man.
Now, never fear, Prospective Employer! My youth has advantages! Lucky for you, I spend literally every waking minute online. I speak the language of Facebook, Twitter, Memebase, Tumblr, Instagram, and other sites you haven’t even heard of. Where you try to understand Facebook and wonder whether you should put apostrophes around the word ‘like’ (NB – you shouldn’t. Please desist at once.) I already know by instinct whether it will work on Facebook or not, and what you should be doing on Pinterest. That’s right, I’m your new Social Media Expert, which has to be the most overused and mildly hilarious role given to people like me.
Oh, before I forget, let me tell you why I’m perfect for your business. Your business is passionate? So am I! You guys are all about building relationships? So am I! Your company enjoys bagpipe-playing at midnight while simultaneously clawing out each others eyeballs? What a coincidence – so do I!
I’d never heard of your company until I saw the job posting, but believe me – we’re a perfect fit.
I’ll just end this cover letter with some heartfelt begging: I really, really need this job. I’m completely broke, and my parents keep looking at my Communications degree with a sighs of disappointment. Also, I’ve heard stripping pays well, but I’m not too sure how to go about it. Apparently you have to be super fit or something.
I look forward to hearing from you soon.